Cate (babydykecate) wrote,
Cate
babydykecate

Fic: Trust {SVU - Amanda/Olivia} (3/?)

Title: Trust (3/?)
Fandom: SVU
Pairing: Olivia/Amanda
Rating: R
Summary: Trust was an elusive, fleeting thing in Olivia and Amanda's rocky partnership. Amanda's past spills into the present, affecting her work. Can they ever move forward and build trust, as friends, or even something more?
Warnings: Sexual Assault, PTSD
Spoilers: "Forgiving Rollins", s16e10 & "Star-Struck Victims", s17e16.
Disclaimer: I do not own Law & Order: SVU. No profit made, no infringement intended.


--

She’d been a tightly wound ball of yarn, and ever since Patton’s trial, she’d been unraveling. For years she’d kept her grip, pretending nothing happened. It was harder to pretend once she found out about Det. Taymor, once she’d actually said the words aloud to Barba.

“Raped.” The word was awful, sliding out of her throat like slimy black ink. It came up from the depths of rage, raw and unexplored. She had not dared to tread beneath, afraid of what she might find, and yet that word had escaped, and with it came the darkness. It swirled around her, a cloud of poisonous gas that infected every part of her life. She could not eat, sleep, nor work without it there, hanging over her, sickening her.

The pregnancy had been a welcome distraction, and for a time she hoped that she could escape the darkness with the blanketing of pink, from tiny shoes to baby monitors. Instead she found herself alone with a screaming baby at 3am, feeling more frayed than ever.

————————

She was dead tired, sleepless nights blending into one another until she couldn’t remember the last time she’d slept for more than a couple hours in a row. She could feel her eyelids growing heavy as she reread her paperwork. She prayed that she hadn’t made any errors, as she was far too tired to process the information, and she really couldn’t take another strike against her in Benson’s eyes.

“Amanda, can you come to my office please,” Benson’s voice cut through the hum of the office noises, startling her awake.

“Be there in a moment, Sarg,” she replied, getting up to file the paperwork.

Olivia was clearly focused on her own paperwork when Amanda entered, and she cleared her throat to let the sergeant know she’d arrived. Olivia looked up, smiling slightly.

“Amanda, please take a seat,” Olivia said, gesturing to the chair in front of her desk.

Amanda perched on the edge, her muscles on standby to make a quick exit.

“I wanted to apologize to you, Amanda,” Olivia began, trying to meet Amanda’s eyes. “I made an assumption of guilt that was clearly unwarranted, and while I am still unhappy about your choice to go undercover without informing me, I was wrong to accuse you of leaking the video.”

Amanda was taken off guard by the apology, but did her best to cover her surprise.

“Yeah, well consider it forgotten,” Amanda replied with a shrug, before rising to leave.

“Amanda, do you mind if I ask you a question?” Olivia interrupted her exit.

Amanda turned back, her brow furrowed. “What?” she asked, trying in vain to keep her frustration and exhaustion from her voice.

“Why do you insist on going off on your own, instead of communicating with me? When you break all the rules, you only make it harder for us to make our cases,” Olivia asked, trying find a balance between authoritative and understanding.

“The rules allow rapists to go free,” Amanda retorted, her voice slightly raised.

“This is the job, Amanda. We can only use to the tools we have available,” Olivia replied with a sigh.

“Bullshit, Olivia. We can do more, if we choose to. You know how hard it is to get a case Barba is willing to try, more or less actually get a jury to convict. At every step of the way we try to discredit the victim, we break her down and tear her apart and if she can endure that- then, and only then do we let it go to trial,” Amanda snapped.

“I think you need to check yourself, Detective. This is the job you were hired to do, and if you no longer feel you can perform it within the law, then you need to transfer to a different unit,” Olivia said evenly.

“I’m really feeling the support here, Sarg. Is that the kind of compassion you give our vics?” Amanda retorted, her anger now speaking for her.

“Amanda you are way out of line. What the hell has gotten into you? You were a great cop when you first came here, but now you aren’t even thinking like a cop, more or less a good one,” Olivia snapped.

“You want to know what happened? Patton showed up, and I get to find out he raped someone else, and I let it happen! That’s right, he didn’t just sexually harass me like I told you. No, he raped me, and because I was too afraid to say anything, Detective Taymor ended getting raped too. So what the hell do you expect me to do, Olivia? Actually have faith in this system, after I’ve watched so many women go without justice? They will always get away with it, unless we are willing to fight dirty. I am willing to go down for that, to lose my badge, if it means just one woman out there gets justice, and if just one more woman won’t get raped because we couldn’t lock him up!” Amanda exploded before slamming the door, and leaving the precinct.

Olivia could only sit there in shock, questioning how she could have missed the signs.


>> Chapter 4 >>
Tags: fandom: svu, fic: svu, fic: trust, pairing: olivia/amanda
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