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17 March 2016 @ 11:16 pm
Fic: Trust {SVU - Amanda/Olivia} (4/?)  
Title: Trust (4/?)
Fandom: SVU
Pairing: Olivia/Amanda
Rating: R
Summary: Trust was an elusive, fleeting thing in Olivia and Amanda's rocky partnership. Amanda's past spills into the present, affecting her work. Can they ever move forward and build trust, as friends, or even something more?
Warnings: Sexual Assault, PTSD
Spoilers: "Educated Guess", s13e08.
Disclaimer: I do not own Law & Order: SVU. No profit made, no infringement intended.


--

Olivia huddled under the torn overhang covering the entrance Amanda’s apartment building, trying to figure out what she was going to say. She was baffled at how she had no idea what was the right thing to say, when she had clearly heard and responded to almost every kind of rape victimization admission. It wasn’t even like this was the first time it had been from a colleague or friend. It was however, the first time she’d not only failed to anticipate a confession, but also be presented with overwhelming evidence that something was amiss, and did nothing to investigate.

She felt like a failure both as a sex crimes detective, and more importantly, as a friend. How she possibly be so blind to Amanda’s suffering? Not only should her detective’s behavior been a red flag, but it was now obvious to Olivia that Amanda had hesitantly reached out, and Olivia had failed to pursue her hints.

Amanda’s first hint had been years ago, during the Gia Eskas case. Olivia’s admission she’d been assaulted on the job prompted Amanda to confess she too had something happen while on the job, but that it “wasn’t worth pursuing.” Olivia questions why she let the comment go, never bringing it up again. Was it the way Amanda shut down and dismissed it? That in and of itself should have been a hint that it had seriously affected Amanda.

Or perhaps she’d assumed it was “just an assault”, and that Amanda would be able to get over it, just as she had? This thought gives her more guilt, one- for ever thinking that any violation isn’t serious, and two- for not seeing that despite how similar they were (and God, they were alike, right down to trying to tough it out and being reluctant to ask for help), while she’d had El and the squad looking out for her, Amanda barely had anyone.

And to be honest- Olivia hadn’t dealt with it as easily as she liked to portray- and maybe this was the real answer. In order to question Amanda, she would’ve been forced to hold a mirror to herself, and admit that it had not only deeply affected her, but continued to affect her to this day. As much as she sold the idea that “things do get better”, what lurks beneath is, “but they don’t ever go away completely.”

Olivia’s been so deep in thought that she failed to realize the sun had set, and now the day that was bitingly cold has now become bone-chilling. Reluctantly she forces herself to push the button for the security system. A moment later Amanda’s voice crackles through, “Hello?”

“Hey Amanda, it’s Liv,” Olivia tries to sound more confident than she feels.

“What do you want, Sergeant?” Amanda asks, her voice now sharp.

Olivia doesn’t miss the formal address, the gap that Amanda is trying to force. “She’s trying to push me away,” Olivia notes to herself.

“I just want to talk Amanda. The way we left things at the station-,” Olivia trails off, unsure what combination of words will somehow convince Amanda to let her in.

“I just put Jessie down Liv. If this can wait-“ Amanda tries.

“It can’t. Please Amanda, I promise I won’t wake Jessie,” Olivia pleads.

“Fine,” is all the response Amanda gives before buzzing Olivia in.

Olivia darts inside before Amanda has a chance to change her mind. When Amanda opens the door, she looks tired, and the redness around her eyes betrays her stoic front.

“Come in sarg,” Amanda says, stepping aside.

Olivia enters, taking a seat in the living room without a invitation, forcing Amanda to sit down as well. Amanda sits as far away as possible on the sofa across from Olivia’s chair, her body language clearly defensive.

“So…” Amanda breaks the awkward silence.

“I’m here because I care, Amanda,” Olivia starts.

“Okay…” Amanda replies, refusing to give Olivia an inch.

“You need help,” Olivia continues. Amanda tries to interrupt, but Olivia cuts her off, “What you’re going through now, you don’t have to do this alone.”

“We’ve done this dance before Liv,” Amanda says with a sigh. “You make a speech, try to get me to go to your shrink, I don’t and royally piss you off. Can we just skip to the part where I say sorry, but no thanks, and we all move on? I’m a big girl, I can deal with this myself.”

“No you can’t Amanda!” Olivia raises her voice slightly, her emotion overwhelming her desire to keep quiet for the baby. “Just look at the past few weeks Amanda. Clearly you aren’t dealing. It’s affecting your job, and I know how much of a dedicated cop you are.”

Amanda is silent, biting her lip.

“You can’t do this alone because no one can,” Olivia continues when Amanda doesn’t respond. “Look- when I was assaulted in the prison, you think my first step was to tell the guys, and then the next day I was at my psychologists? I resisted, I kept it to myself, just like you, thinking I was strong enough to deal on my own. I’m here, on the other side, telling you that I needed people who cared, people I could talk to, and so do you.”

Amanda’s eyes have started to glisten. “Who?” Amanda asks brokenly, with a shrug, turning away.

Olivia rises from her chair, and moves to sit next to Amanda, her movements gentle so not to startle Amanda.

“Me,” Olivia answers, softly placing a hand on Amanda’s knee.

Amanda turns to her, tears now making their way down her face.

“Liv- I can’t-“ Amanda stumbles on her words, haphazardly trying to reject Olivia’s offer.

“Yes, you can, Amanda. You can talk to me. I know I haven’t been the best friend, or even the best partner but I’m here now, and I care. Please let me make up for my mistake, and finally be here for you. God knows, I should have been here for you back when you first admitted something happened on the job. You needed someone to listen then, and you still do,” Olivia pleads.

Amanda does something she swore she’d never do around anyone- she breaks down. From deep inside her chest comes a heart-wrenching sob. Slowly the sound makes it out of her body as she begins to shake, her body refusing to keep it in a second longer. Olivia gently pulls her into her arms, muttering calming assurances as she rubs Amanda’s back.

“Just let it out. It’s okay. You’ve kept this locked up for so long, it’s okay let it out now,” Olivia adds amid her gentle soothing. And Amanda finally does. She cries, deeply, sobs wracking her body. She lets Olivia hold her, lets her see her vulnerability. Finally all the years unravel into this- two women, a little worse for the wear perhaps, but survivors- finally letting each other in.